Category: reflection
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map[]Exams I failed an open-book exam. I got 79% while the pass rate was 80%. It’s one of those moments that are at first funny because that is such a classical story, just about not managing to pass, the frustration you can share with your peers who will then express condolences and their own frustration or condemnation of the unfairness of the exam. However, the result of the exam is binary, so failing with 79% vs 50% has the same result. map[]The brilliant illustration is made by CatF4ce on reddit.
Weekends have become somewhat anomalous and amorphous in their meaning and structure to me. Days blend into one another and structure is eroded by monotony. The constant feeling of stasis makes me anxious that I am not progressing, yet time flies past as hours turn into months. As with many topics nowadays, attention towards social media’s impact on civilization has been brought to light with a stylish and alarming Netflix documentary. map[]Whatever it is that I am is flesh and a bit of breath and the ruling centre. Put away your books, distract yourself with them no longer, that is not permissible; but rather, as though you were now on the verge of death, despise the flesh - just blood and bones and a mesh of interwoven nerves, veins, and arteries. Consider too what kind of a thing breath is: a stream of air, and not always the same, but at each moment expelled and drawn back in again. map[]I’ve fallen off the wagon again, or however that saying goes. Things have been deteriorating. Self motivation is basically non existant, the only thing I’m really managing to stay consistent with is making my bed. I’ve once again got low energy, apathy. I don’t feel good or satisfied with doing things. One thing I’ve noticed for sure is that I’ve picked up on this much sooner than I would have previously. map[]New year, new me and all that. I haven’t really made new year resolutions in the past, I think waiting for the start of the year to change something about your situation is the same as saying you’ll do it later. Unless it really is the best time for change due to circumstances.
The christmas break was a really great time. I saw beautiful things, spent time with excellent people and tried foods I can still taste in my dreams. map[]I’ve been returning back to the presocratic schools and enjoying their metaphysical exploration for the nature of the universe. They resonate with my love of fiction and fantasy, the ubiquitous inclusion of the 4 elements in almost all fantasy involving magic, the themes of love and strife in almost all stories.
Fate and destiny, lofty words that can be used as a reason or as an excuse for events. In stories, it is the hero’s destiny to rise above evil, it is the villain’s fate to perish and fail. map[]I’m sitting on a train, flying by incredibly flat fields and windmills, listening to the latest in news and the world through podcasts. I’m averaging 2-3hrs of podcasts per day, from news to science to fiction, there is no way that I can take in that amount of information per day on top of my work. So why do I do it? I think it has become my new white noise system. map[]Things are pretty steady along. I’ve been finding myself thinking more about my physical health, and what I want to see in myself. In the past, I had exercise goals of cycle x km or lift x kg. Chasing numbers that in hindsight have very little meaning to me. I remember the few times that I attempted to consistently weight train, I had my training journal, had my sets and reps and kgs all written out. map[]Well this is a first in a long time where I’m writing this without prompt from anxious thoughts. Pretty nice, rocking out to some music, clacking away at the keys. I’ve started taking a few minutes here and there to get back to meditation, getting back to the skills of noting my thoughts and not trying to rationalise/fight with them. Sometimes letting them do their thing is the way to go it seems. map[]Another while, another long pause between posts. I still seem to return to this whenever something begins to go “bad” or feel off. I’ve been having some increase in anxiousness, the familiar jolts of electricity though my heart. I’ve become more jumpy and hypervigilant again.
In the past when faced with these feelings of anxiety I would sit down and run through a list of things I was thinking of recently until I received those pangs of adrenaline, that skipped heart beat. map[]“If you would only learn to compliment Dionysus, you wouldn’t have to live on lentils”
Aristippus to Diogenes of Sinope when he saw him cooking lentils for a meal.
“But if you would only learn to live on lentils, you wouldn’t have to flatter Dionysus.”
Diogenes of Sinope
Today I am quite proud of myself. This is a silly thing to most, but I’ve resisted the incredible urge I felt to buy a smartwatch. map[]“He has the most, he who is content with the least.”
Diogenes of Sinope
Once more I’ve been neglecting reflecting on myself. It’s easy to do when things are going well, and then to somewhat panic and look for the “emergency philosophy” button when things start to unravel a bit. I find myself being better at incorporating some stoicism in my life now. I’m still struggling with existentialism, but funnily enough stoicism is also helping in that regard. map[]I’ve recently quit, moved, started a new job. My parents also quit, moved and started a new job. Past few months have been filled with packing materials, vacuum cleaners and a distracted mind.
“A good person is invincible, for they don’t rush into contests in which they aren’t the strongest. If you want their property, take it-take also their staff, profession, and body. But you will never compel what they set out for, nor trap them in what they would avoid. map[]Being a Doctor It wasn’t until after I quit working in the HSE, that I realised I had been profoundly depressed. My tiredness, poor sleep and bad appetite were things that I attributed to my extensive overtime and amount of work. I thought that working 12-15 hour days would do this to me, and I should expect to always feel tired, sad since everyone says that training is full of long days and nights and sick patients. map[]Addiction means a lot of things to different people. In psychology, there are strict definitions according to the DSM-V and ICD-10. They used to concern themselves with substance misuse, however they now include gaming and technology. To be classified as addicted, there is a minimum criteria. It’s quite common to use the word “addicted” liberally in order to indicate your fondness for a particular food, drink (coffee) or activity such as playing football. map[]Today is a short one. I’ve been pondering over the usefulness of advice, self-help books and all that jazz. I’ve mostly been repulsed from these catchy titles, usually with a number of steps towards a better millionaire you. It seemed to me that while those authors have something to gain, they will pander to the masses in order to drive sales, this means books that won’t answer the difficult questions or push people away from their destructive behaviours. map[]I want to continue tackling the issue of self. Yesterday I wrote a little about truth and what it means to me. While I didn’t come to a conclusive answer, I think there is enough of a basis to continue on. I’m wary of becoming stuck in the infinite, I think the best way forward is to make reasonable leaps of faith, and revisit them in the future.
“For the self is a synthesis in which the finite is the limiting factor, and the infinite the expanding factor. map[]Today the Stoic quote I read was:
“A person who doesn’t know what the universe is, doesn’t know where they are. A person who doesn’t know their purpose in life doesn’t know who they are or what the universe is. A person who doesn’t know any one of these things doesn’t know why they are here. So what to make of people who seek or avoid the praise of those who have no knowledge of where or who they are? map[]Currently one of my goals is to improve my perception of an event. Accurate perception of the world is one of the pillars of Stoic philosophy.
“The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control.”
Epictetus, Discourses, 2.5.4-5
It’s easy to take this quote as the solution, I mean here it is!