Well this is a first in a long time where I’m writing this without prompt from anxious thoughts. Pretty nice, rocking out to some music, clacking away at the keys. I’ve started taking a few minutes here and there to get back to meditation, getting back to the skills of noting my thoughts and not trying to rationalise/fight with them. Sometimes letting them do their thing is the way to go it seems.
Posts
Another while, another long pause between posts. I still seem to return to this whenever something begins to go “bad” or feel off. I’ve been having some increase in anxiousness, the familiar jolts of electricity though my heart. I’ve become more jumpy and hypervigilant again.
In the past when faced with these feelings of anxiety I would sit down and run through a list of things I was thinking of recently until I received those pangs of adrenaline, that skipped heart beat. Then I’d say right, that’s the cause. Lets avoid it. A later strategy would be, instead of avoiding them, confront them and try to solve whatever was causing me anxiety. It was better than avoidance, but what happens when the issue can’t be solved? It would grow and become worse and worse. I found some solace and peace in the stoic view on control. If you have no control over something, there is really no reason to worry about it. You can kick and scream and fight, but in the end only you will be tired and sore. What you have control over (apart from in some neurophychiatric states) is your perception and reaction to an event.
“If you would only learn to compliment Dionysus, you wouldn’t have to live on lentils”
Aristippus to Diogenes of Sinope when he saw him cooking lentils for a meal.
“But if you would only learn to live on lentils, you wouldn’t have to flatter Dionysus.”
Diogenes of Sinope
Today I am quite proud of myself. This is a silly thing to most, but I’ve resisted the incredible urge I felt to buy a smartwatch. I’ve been thinking about it ever since my Pebble 2 broke. Sleep, activity tracking, notifications, smart home control. All of this excites me and I yearn to have another similar gadget to tinker with. I spent about 10 minutes in the shop, looking up reviews (all glowing) and prices (it was on sale and cheaper in the shop than online). It had all the features, battery life, looks you name it. It was meant to be.